I am a gay gentleman of a certain age and I frequently find myself seeking company on those long, lonely weekend nights. Recently I was privileged to spend the evening with a scrumptious young lion, but as I was leaving his apartment, I noticed something that continues to bother me, even now.
Every single pair of his shoes, from tennis shoes to Bruno Magli leather loafers - had been neatly stowed in individual Tupperware containers and accordingly labelled. Indeed, everything about this gentleman’s domicile was similarly neatly and, might I even say, obsessively arranged.
What I am wondering is this: is it possible that my erstwhile lay date is a serial killer or some other sort of miscreant? And should I worry about running into him during a game of tennis or, God forbid, a working weekend in the country? How does one introduce a serial killer to one’s friends, without putting the absolute kibosh on the festivities?
I await your wise response.
F. W. Fluppertare, Esq.
My dear gentleman,
You’ve worried Miss Verity on your behalf, although not, she confesses, enough to make her cut short her vacation and return to the keyboard to answer this sooner. Yes, I should say it is not merely possible but extremely probable that what you have there is a serial killer, of the organized type. Before you proceed any further with this relationship–always assuming that you have not, in Miss Verity’s absence, proceeded so far that you are even now residing in a freezerbox somewhere, carefully dismembered and labelled–you must ascertain what his motivations and, if I may risk the word, tastes are. Are you, in other words, quite safe in his company? Serial killers are one of those instance when one doesn’t want too much of the other person’s attention.
Having determined that you aren’t in his target socioeconomic class or division of haircolour or whatever group his guiding principle applies to. Miss Verity sees no impediment to the relationship other than his ghastly unspeakable habit of buying Tupperware–vile plastic stuff! If you can overlook that, you are undoubtedly possessed of an accommodating nature (just possibly too accommodating, but then it isn’t Miss Verity’s job to chide you for your taste) that will make the relationship run smoothly.
As a point of etiquette she does urge you to, wherever possible, forgo introducing him to your friends. If one of them ends up in a neatly-filed box of some kind, the rest are almost certain to level the cut direct your way, and you frankly have enough cutting to be worried about at present.
yours as ever,