Much-needed Restraint

Dear Gin and Gentility,

I am a gentleman “of a certain age” who enjoys a close and companionate relationship with a gentleman who is perhaps ten years my junior. Despite the difference in our ages, we appreciate one another very much. Indeed, he is always very tender to me, despite his sometimes uncouth behaviour and his unfortunate tendency to cynicism and melancholy, both of which are aggravated by an extremely painful love relationship he experienced some years before.

My problem is this: when my companion is in his cups, he becomes extremely foul-mouthed and yes, even verbally abusive towards me. If I attempt to placate him while he is drinking, he tells me off in the most disgusting language imaginable - indeed, I can hardly reproduce it for fear of offending your sensibilities.

As soon as my friend is sober, he apologises profusely and showers me with affection. Yet, as soon as he is again under the thrall of the vine, his personality again changes for the worse. He picks fights with everyone around him, (most notably a competing business owner, just over the way) snaps at his employees, and is generally dreadful towards me. Worst of all is his behaviour towards the ladies: when my friend is drinking, women become for him the lowest and vilest form of life!

I have attempted many times to explain to him that his behaviour is hurtful and that he should attempt to curb his intake. He insists that he can “handle himself.” I insist that he cannot.

Apart from this admittedly small problem, he is the kindest, gentlest and most amusing companion one could wish for…forever surprising me with loving words and tokens of his affection.

What should I do? He is only like this when he drinks, but when he drinks, he becomes another man completely.

I crave your wise advice.

Sincerely,

Monsieur Sûreté

My dear Monsieur,

Miss Verity grieves to hear your problem, because the only sure solution is to avoid the gentleman in question whenever he is drinking, and this, of course, places dreadful limitations on the relationship. She shudders to think what would have become of several of her own relationships had she insisted they only be conducted outside licensed establishments–presumably they’d have been reduced to some sort of penpalship, which would have been sad indeed.

But really, it’s hard to see what else you can do without resorting to handcuffs and a gag. Miss Verity suggests the type of cuffs that close with velcro–they’re less likely to cause physical injury, and can be removed quickly if you need to reposition him. Since you say he is generous with tokens of his affection, I suggest you present him with a short list of the necessary equipment.

~Miss Verity