My Love Don't Cost a Thing

Perplexed writes,

Dear Gin & Gentility,
Recently a male “just a friend” of mine gave me several expensive gifts, and an alarmingly impassioned letter claiming I owned his heart and soul. I did not ask for the gifts, the letter, or his heart and soul. Would it be bad manners to sell any or all of these things on eBay?
~Perplexed

My darling lady,

The manner of affections between the sexes is a vexed question and has been since Time Immemorial. (Even with romance within one’s own sex, there can be difficulties, especially if the object of one’s affection is a close-mouthed, emotionally stunted cynic whose entire romantic career has been spent pining after a married woman!)

No gentleman ever forces his affections on a lady; to do so is quite beyond the pale. Once a lady and a gentleman have reached a mutual agreement about the discourse of their association, then presents may of course be exchanged: he may gift her with jewellery (always tasteful!) or with small items of intimate clothing, to be worn only in their boudoir, or he may gift her with flowers. Gifts of live animals are rarely a good idea: there may be allergies, or, her landlord may forbid the presence of pets; gifts of other people are similarly not advised, on the grounds that trade in human beings is illegal. One should never present sexual paraphernalia unless such boundaries and norms have already been clearly delineated: a man never looks so foolish as when he is standing outside his lady’s home with a rubber fetish suit wrapped around his neck.

Your specific dilemma, however, seems to be unique, in that the lady in question has no visible relationship with the gentleman. Therefore, his continual thrusting of gifts upon her would appear to be a sad and unmanly cry for attention, which is in itself a kind of plea for help, the sort of help which can only be furnished by a medical professional bearing a particular white jacket with sleeves in the back.

By all means: sell the things he’s given you. I recommend selling the ‘hard’ goods on eBay and his heart and soul can be donated to a charity of one’s choice.

Tout a toi,

Louis.