Panned, Alas, By the Critics

A lady writes,

Dear Advisors,
A friend and I will be making an extended stay at the home of a third friend. I’d like to do some cooking while we’re there. How can I politely find out if she has such things as muffin tins, cookie sheets, and pizza pans? Also, is there a particular etiquette involved in asking for the use of someone’s kitchen and oven?
When we shop for ingredients, should we bring our hostess along, on the theory that she can inform us of allergens or dislikes and also possibly help us find the stevia and tapinade? Or is grocery shopping so tedious a chore that the polite thing to do is sneak off and do it behind her back?
~A Guest

Ma chere Madame,

I have long been privileged to have a great many very good friends, several of whom boast unique and valuable skills. There was Joselle, whose talent for home-baked bread was astonishing, and her sister Manique, who could make raw oysters sit up in their shells and dance! Also, Danelle, with the delicate chou pastry and the lightest touch, and Monsieur Gerard, whose taste in wines was unsurpassed. (Truly, it is as the poet Homer said: a sommelier is one’s best friend.)

It is natural and commendable to want to prepare one’s own food while in the home of one’s friends, especially if one has friends whose culinary abilities are…shall we say…not as developed as one’s own. Really, if one has a palate accustomed to foie gras, the possibility of having to ingest boxed macaroni and cheese looms in one’s imagination like a spectre of horror! But one must always be careful to avoid offense, therefore, the phrasing of one’s desire to dominate la cuisine during one’s stay is vital. To avoid offending, do not say, “Really, Ricky, stick to making drinks! This coc au vin appears to have been vomited by a cat.” Say, instead, “Ricky, darling darling Ricky, you’ve been so very, very kind to me…I should very much like to repay you…how about I cook us a gourmet meal every night?” That way, Ricky is being offered something, instead of being forced into an uncomfortable impasse—the sort of thing which leads only to hurt feelings and, occasionally, guns being fired indoors. It is also tasteful to enquire, immediately after one’s offer of gastronomic assistance, whether dear Rick’s kitchen is appropriately equipped, but again, tact and diplomacy are all: “Ricky, my dear chap, have you a muffin pan?” One need not descend to posturing; it is hardly ever necessary to add, “…so that I can pre-heat the oil for my hand-whipped, all-organic Yorkshire puddings?” Etiquette is always rooted in common sense, and common sense dictate that one ask for what one does not have! (Malheureusement, this does not suffice in all cases—my aide-de-camp, Lieutenant Casselle, has worn out the teakwood prie-dieu in our little chapel, imploring God to send him some brains.)

As to your question about the necessary faire d’achat, ask yourself if, by inviting your hostess to accompany you, are you also inviting her to share the cost of the food? Is she invited to share in the eating of it? Are you preparing food merely for yourself and your friend, or the whole household? All must be made clear, else resentments are apt to arise, and one finds oneself standing under the window at three in the morning, shouting to be let back in…

I remain, Madame, your servant…

L.R.