I Smell a Rat

A Good Christian writes:

Dear G&G,
I found “Ratatouille” to be extremely offensive. There were a few scenes in which the rat pranced around the kitchen wearing no undergarments. In fact, I find a lot of things offensive. What should I do about this?
yours,
A Good Xtian

Dear ‘Good’,

One wonders why a self-professed follower of the Christian faith is writing to an advice column that boldly and without reservations advertises itself to be written by ‘inebriates.’ Or is it true that certain members of your faith pride themselves on unique interpretations not readily supported by fact? Do enlighten me.

I have not seen the film of which you speak; there is no cinema here in Casablanca and even if there were, my duties as Prefect of Police would not allow me to spend time in such idle pursuits. No, in my off-hours I prefer to imbibe heavily, flirt unashamedly with whores and other women of dubious virtue, defy the local authorities, and cheat at roulette in the casino that adjoins the cafe owned by my (male) lover.

Indeed, Madame, were you to stumble upon my lover and myself some dark Moroccan night, we both might be prancing round his kitchen sans undergarments, drinking Veuve Cliquot and kissing each other—with tongue—and behaving in a generally offensive manner.

I would also point out, Madame, that the rat, being in fact an animal, would not have been naturally endowed with undergarments while in its original, pre-Lapsarian state in the Garden of Eden. If you wonder why, I suggest you contact your God. I find a speedy telegram, dispatched at once, usually clears up the matter nicely.

If this is not satisfactory to you, you may wish to round up all the rats in your immediate vicinity and fit them with such undergarments as may seem suitable to you in your current dérangement.

I trust this answers your question.

Blithely,

Louis