S’Not What You Do; It’s How You Blew It

Hilary writes:

Hi, G & G:

I’d like to know what you think of this.

A dinner guest, who has a cold, blows her nose at the table and casually places the tissue beside her plate. She continues to eat without excusing herself to wash her hands or to dispose of her mucous-ridden Kleenex.

Can I ask her to remove the disgusting wad of tissue, wash up, or should I simply start including a bottle of Purell in her place setting?

Healthfully yours,
Hilary

Dear Hilary,

What do I think of it? I think your guest ought to be placed immediately under quarantine until such time as she is capable of containing her bodily effluent in a manner conducive to polite social intercourse! What utter lout discharges a clot of mucus into a square of paper and then places the offending substance upon the table board? One who has complete and total disregard for human health, safety, and the social niceties, of course. Anyone with a cranial capacity larger than the common house sparrow knows that one does not expel nasal mucus at the dinner table or indeed, within view of others. A polite person excuses herself and does such nasty personal maintenance in the lavatory! Your guest obviously feels it is appropriate to hork up (as an American of my acquaintance is fond of saying) enormous clots of phlegm while others are eating; one wonders how she would feel if a biological sample of another sort were deposited next to her dinner plate! Perhaps a local lady of the evening can be compelled, by dint of money changing hands, to bring along a prophylactic filled with a sample of her own, and leave same beside your friend’s plate; one hopes the message would be clear.

I fear that tact and subtlty will not serve you in this case, Madam, so you must resort to desperate measures. Buy the largest bottle of Purell you can find and, while your butler is serving the soup course, serve this lady a heaping ladle-full of sanitiser.

One hopes she will get the message.

Your servant, Madam,

Louis Renault