Friend Seeking Benefits

A Gentleman writes:
Dear G&G:

I have a problem that is perhaps not unique, but nevertheless, it bothers me enormously. I am in love with someone who, as far as romance goes, doesn’t know I exist. He considers me a good friend and we chat every day - in fact, I see more of him than I do a good many other people.

I have carried this torch for so long; I hardly remember. I have, from time to time, dropped subtle hints, but my friend doesn’t seem to catch on - or, he does catch on and is pretending not to understand, for both our sakes.

I am between the devil and the deep blue sea: on the one hand, I wish to make my feelings known to him, but on the other hand, I am afraid I would lose his friendship if I made just such a confession. My friend is a very close-mouthed man, and one who does not easily show his emotions; I cringe to think what his reaction would be if I have got it wrong and he doesn’t care for me as anything more than a friend!

Tell me: should I risk telling my friend how I feel? Or should I nurse my love in secret - even if this secret is tearing me apart?

Sincerely,
Brokenhearted

Dear Brokenhearted,

Miss Verity sympathizes with your conflicting urges to preserve your friendship while reaching for something more. It is for just such dilemmas as this that the Gods gave us gin–and if you don’t believe gin is a gift divine in origin, she thinks your religious situation is much more perilous than your romantic one, and will wait here patiently while you hie thee hence to a site of worship and put your soul in order.

Is that sorted? Good. Now, then, you must arrange to be alone with your friend at a time when you are visibly, but not unattractively, tipsy. To drive the point home with perfect clarity, she suggests you pour up a refill in his presence, having first seen to his needs–his alcoholic refreshment needs, she means; let’s not jump the gun here. Once you are reasonably sure he knows you are under the sway of Benign Spirits, she suggests you lean in and kiss him passionately, then confess your feelings.

If he flees in terror, you always have recourse the next day to that useful social fiction of having entirely forgotten whatever it is you did while inebriated. Make a point of stating so, clearly and with embarrassed laughter, and the friendship at least should survive.

wishing you luck,

Miss Verity