Judge Not, Lest You Be Miss Judged

Miss Judged writes:

Dear Etiquette People, Lately I’ve been getting numerous phone calls every day at work, from people asking me to contact their dead relatives. This worries me, as I work in a small shop that sells gifts and greeting cards. What should I do about this? Miss Judged

Ma chere Mademoiselle,

The dead often turn up where they are least expected. I myself have had a number of ladies in my bed who, despite my own stellar efforts, made neither a move nor a sound. I can only put this down to them having unfortunately expired from an excess of jouissance, brought about by the shattering efficacy of my lovemaking. In addition, I have had certain gentlemen in my bed who have managed to bring me to a similar state of repose; it is a beautiful thing when correctly done.

Personally, I am shocked, shocked to understand that your little shop sells greeting cards and small gift items. Do you realise how much more money you could make, fleecing unsuspecting idiots out of their hard-earned francs? My dear woman! You are sitting on a literal goldmine!

I would advise you to change the name of your shop immediately to reflect your new status. I shall await a share of the profits, of course, in exchange for my most excellent advice. I can be found at the Palais de Justice most mornings by ten a.m.

….eleven a.m.

Tout a toi,

Louis